Full Circle

"You either die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain."-- Harvey Dent in The Dark Knight movie

I had an epiphany the other day in the grocery store. I was looking at a can of Full Circle brand green beans and thought, "Hey, that's me, I'm going to go full circle." I talked with some people I know about this impression and they too think people are going to will it and that I will be able to go full circle in the future. I am now feeling more hopeful than ever.  

I got some very good reasons for this pretentious full circle idea I'm thinking now. First and foremost is the fact that the ruse is up!  Yeah, the bait has been taken, the lure has hooked, ..........and I'm no longer needed as a male gigolo in society anymore. (ha, ha, ha)  Like planned, Ariel came to my rescue when I was a helpless, stranded, wandering hobo, -- I'm now assimilated back into society.  I think it is safe to say that most people in their right minds today know their worst and most recent fears of technological anarchy and enslavement are only imaginary stuff of the movies for the good.  My star movie role as some electrified cyborg slave of the future is no longer warranted.   

Second, the movie Twelve Years a Slave, which came out in 2013, has been quite a revelator, and was not only about Sophie NorCal but about me as well. I hope like Solomon Northup in the movie, and Sophie NorCal, that I'll be able to get another chance at my freedom. 

No mistake of mine should be so permanent as to keep me in mental health slavery indefinitely. No cult-like group like the mental health system should be so powerful and persuasive. It probably still remains to be proven by me, but I just want to say I survived that school of hard knocks and am a much stronger person now. But I must say, it was a never-ending nightmare when I was going through it. 

Third, I think sufficient time has elapsed, that people have gained strength, and that we can force it now. It has now almost been that magic "twelve years" since getting taken into the mental hospital. You know, Sophie NorCal and Solomon Northrup were all released after twelve years had passed.

Fourth, I have learned my lesson. And I mean damn, I have learned my lesson. Whoever thinks institutions in society are overkill and redundant knows what they are talking about. I seriously feel like the mental health system here in Utah has been trying to treat me to death.

Fifth, I am a much more humble person now. I no longer think I'm John Wayne or God's gift to women. I have been punished with isolation these last few years for my pride and think I have thoroughly learned my lesson with that. 

Evil and maligning people have been playing me out, cutting off all avenues socially and exacerbating my single conundrum to an extreme-- so marriage is the one thing in my life that isn't in order right now. I do realize I am not getting any younger and am a single anomaly at 44 years old! 

All I can say is I am not going to get depressed or strung out about this problem and feel like I can't take on anything else until it is resolved- I got better things to do than worry. I'm going to marry for love and make the right decision on marriage regardless of how long it takes. I know I'm not a statistic, I'm not defective or handicapped, and that the future is wide open.

But frankly, I would be happy to be with any woman right now. The key I know now is to not stress the day out by being some cowboy kid and thereby need a woman-- because when you don't need a woman anymore, you will then find one. (ha, ha, ha)  And seriously, don't worry too much about this problem because I think I have actually finally found a wife. Yeah, her name is Lafawnda and she is a mail-order bride from the Orient. (ha,ha,ha) We are going to get married pretty soon here, I just have to make it happen.

Sixth, I'm sick of needles. I have had to drop my drawers and expose my fanny to so many shot nurses I can't even count them all. You can just call me a walking pin cushion of the mental health system now because pricking me with needles is mostly what they have been doing to me since 2011. But I swear, if I get booty juiced one more time I'm gonna kill someone. (ha, ha, ha) No seriously, on a scary note, I actually got a blood clot in my right arm from all the peanut butter shots they were giving me and could have died from an aneurysm.

Seventh, continuous progression has to be possible. I have heard from a prophet's mouth that the mental health system is not going to be done away with any time soon (dang it, I seriously thought it would be, we have put so much pressure on them!). So in other words, the system is not going anywhere and therefore has to adjust, flex, change, and spit out what it can't digest. It is such a corrupt and depressing system many people get trapped in it and never recover. 

I told myself I was going to progress and not be a victim to the mental health system. I have always felt like I was the exception to the rule and that I could do things my way. But we will see if all the monkeys will let go of their plastic banana and leave the monkey trap. If I have learned anything from all this, it is that we may very well have to force them to let go of their prize. 

Eighth, we deserve the rest. With the exception of this most recent incident with my son, mental health people have been answering to me, not the other way around. We have done much to right the Utah mental health system these last eleven years and the repercussions have been felt in many other places. Man, I swear I have the best people helping me.

Ninth, going full circle is not a new thing for me really, I have gone full circle in a lot of things already. I have gone from a selfish, rowdy kid to something less troublesome. I have gone from a prejudiced and judgmental person to something fairer. From materialistic to more liberal and content. From actively religious to something more moderate. Naive and undiscerning to discerning. Unteachable to more studious. Angry and rebellious to something more peaceable. Impure to more pure. 

Tenth, I don't care. I don't care what anyone says, I am going to heal from all this and move on with my life. I may have been weak in some areas at the beginning of all this but I have learned to cope with some very hard things now. I can't be kept in this condemned box forever-- God won't permit it in America, the land of the free. Like the New Hampshire state license plate motto says, I am going to "Live free or die." 

Eleventh, perhaps I can't marry with this mental health stigma hanging over me. It is a red flag to women, a sign of weakness, and an eye sore I can't cover up. Can you imagine being married and having to tell your wife you can't go with her to your daughter's soccer game because you have to meet with your psychiatrist? Daddy, why do the doctors give you shots? Umm.....

No, but really, I know it can be nerve-racking for women to buy a car with no warranty straight from the used car lot. Most people can't tolerate that kind of ambiguity. Only the discerning win in the car business really, but just for the record I have to say that all used cars aren't lemons and that a person can do very well for himself buying used. If you ask me, I think it's crazy to pay a sticker price. 

Well, it has been a long and yes, circuitous journey since stumbling into the mental health system eleven years ago. I have learned many things from it but I can't really say my experience in the system has been a blessing. It has been a long and seemingly irreversible stumble and life is much better at the lake. Yeah. 

Now that I have been force-taught all the dark things in life I think I may have the understanding I need-- but what I would really like to have is the freedom and privacy I once had before this mess happened to me. Yeah, I am now totally trackable, 100 percent on the grid, and sadly, more cyborg than human. I have so much metal in me now that I ought to go cash in at the local metal recycler. (ha, ha, ha) 

Maybe I'm just short-sighted and biased, but I really don't see how all the technological infringements on my freedom are necessary now-- for my personal welfare or anyone else's for that matter. I mean who's it gonna hurt to let some poor, lonely, crazy, cowboy with an imaginary girlfriend go free. Time will tell if the honest and good will live free and unfettered in this country. I really hope it won't be too much longer for me.

If I can't go live now and I suspect the answer is no on that now, can I please have one small victory? Please get this damn contraption out of my nose. I can't live another minute looking like the Avatar people! Thank you.

Well, I would really appreciate any support I can get in this full-circle crusade I'm on now. It may not take as much effort as you think to pull this all off-- they shouldn't be able to stop us from this, they shouldn't be able to stop the feeling in society. 

Remember, we are being hindered by a very small minority of ill people in the world. Do you know what happens to ill minorities in society? They get oppressed! (ha, ha, ha)  I just hope you all are well. Take care (and yes, you all really do do that!, thank you) and I will talk to you later.